Thursday, October 30, 2008

Higher or Lower? Great Way to Get a Credit Card

I was talking with some guys from work, reminiscing on some closing tactics from some sales closers we used to have...and when I say "used to" I mean before we had ethics and started drug-testing. I've seen and heard a LOT of amazing closing strategies to get a credit card number over the phone. This one about takes the cake.

Client: "I don't know...I'm, I'm a bit nervous about this. I need the weekend to sleep on it."

Closer: "Listen sister, you're 16 digits away from success, and I already know the first number is 4, so do us both a favor and read off the other 15, okay?"

(awkward silence)

Client: "I...I can't. I'm not 100% sure I'm confident in your company."

Closer: "Okay, let's do this." (pulls out his wallet, grabs a credit card) You gotta pen? Write this down 4311247728339728."

Client: "Uh...what's this?"

Closer: "I just gave you my credit card number. See...I trust YOU. So you trust me and read me yours."

Client: (even more awkward silence) "What?"

Closer: "Okay, let's play a game. I'll guess the next number and you tell me if it's Higher or"

Client: "Uh...higher?"

Closer: "8?"

Client: "Nope."

Closer: "7?"

Client: "Yup."

Closer: "Okay, let's go for the next one. I guess....uh...2?"

Client: "Higher."

...and this went on and on. No joke. Finally, by about the 11th number the client realized this was retarted and hung up. A valiant effort though. 

This same guy was once set up to close a deal by his little brother who was on his sales team. The client asked him at the beginning of the call somewhat arrogantly, "So, are you like...the closer?"

"Phil...listen, I have actually reached the status of Master Closer, so if you would please refer to me as Master, that'd make me more comfortable."

Is rep drug-testing really necessary? All the fun went out with the urine samples. 

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Stop Kidding Yourself

"I'm a business consultant."

"I'm a financial advisor."

"I'm a petroleum distribution technician."

"I am a facilitator between people's goals and their dreams."

Stop kidding yourself. 

You're a salesman. The most hated profession in the world. You're in the same ranks as defense lawyers and MLM neighbors. When you introduce yourself to people, you pray they don't ask you what you do for a living because you know they won't let their kids hang out with your kids. When you get the guts to blurt out, "I'm a salesman", people look at you as if they just saw George Bush pick his nose and eat it during the State of the Union Address. 

People tell you you're crazy. They think you've failed at everything else in the world, hence, you've decreased yourself to pondscum. You're a shadester, a hustler, you should legally change your name to "Sid Diamond" and put your ring on your pinky finger.


You are my favorite person in the world. I would rather be around salespeople than ANYONE else in corporate America. 

Human Resources people? 

...are we playing Dungeons and Dragons?


...Michael Scott?

Advertising? thanks Johnny Hotnuts.


....(cringe) only to file a tax return extension.

There is something crazy about you that makes me like you. Maybe it's the fact that you're still taking Ritalin at 34. Maybe it's the fact that you still act like you're 12. Maybe it's because I can say words like "Fart" and itch my hemrhoids without losing respect. 

This blog offers refuge for all of us salespeople trying to live the double-life. As Dwight Schrute said, "Salespeople, unite."